Tom Cruise movie #7
Actual Story: Darkness seeks to create eternal night by destroying the last of the unicorns and marrying a fairy princess is opposed by the forest boy Jack and his elven allies. This story was actually taken from Celtic mythology.
Last month, my bestie reminded me that I was doing the 80s movie challenge which was far removed from my mind. It’s been a while since I’ve updated the TC Movie Challenge. Today, I’m about to attack a beloved classic.
Many people would tell you that they grew up loving this film and it’s their favorite of TC even if they’re not fans of his. I did not grow up with this film so if you love this movie, I don’t care. And I was like TC, too, during this movie, for half the time he didn’t know why he was in a scene. Half the time I didn’t know why the scene was even a scene. 🤷♂️
“Am I lost? One thing’s for sure, I’m not in Kansas anymore, Toto!… and why is that girl running towards me?!”
I saw this movie for the first time two years ago and it was nothing special. I made notes so this is going to be a note-taking kind of review.
^ A princess singing to animals and flowers? Is this the live version of Snow White? Or was it Cinderella? Everyone (I don’t know who EVERYONE is since we’ve never met the King & Queen) expects Princess Lili to marry a prince, but she doesn’t want to for she’s in love with the jungle boy.
^ This is TC’s first role as Jack. He’ll eventually go on to be Jack Reacher (LOVE!) and Jack Harper narrowly missing out on as Jack in Jack & the Beanstalk. So, Lili is in love with this Jack who’s actually the Prince of the Woods who’s actually the offspring of Tarzan and Peter Pan. Jack is friends with a crow and he is quite likable. His princess girlfriend? Eh, not so much. Lili steals from a nice poor old lady and then offers the food to Jack. Isn’t she a princess? Why can’t she take food from the palace to feed the forest vagrant? And of course, it’s a heart-shaped cookie. How much more subtle can one get in proclaiming their love without actually saying those 3 little words? Does it hurt to say them?
Behold, the forest dweller!
^ Again, why is a so-call princess allowed to roam freely in the forest alone with no guards at her side?
^ Jack speaks every animal language known to… animal kind (Dr. Doolittle who?), even unicorn.
^ “Let me sing to you,” Lili wants to seduce Jack with her lovely voice after she kisses him and here is that delightful conversation:
Lily: Are you afraid to kiss me, Jack?
Jack: I’m afraid you’ll break my heart.
Lily: Then still your heart. You’re dear to me as life itself. (Proceeds to remove the ring from her finger) Don’t you wish this was our wedding ring?
Jack: If I say yes, would my wish come true?
Lily: I’m a princess. It’s my right to set a challenge for my suitors.
That little trollop! Why play hard to get when you’re already in love with someone, huh? And that conversation was cringe to the max!
When Tom has better hair than the leading lady…
^ Moving on, the land is now turned to ice. I can’t remember why because I stopped paying attention, but I think it’s something to do with Lili ignoring Jack Doolittle and talking to the unicorns. How does she even know unicorn language? Oh, right, she’s young, pure and has an innocent heart. The goblin Blix succeeds in cutting the horn off the unicorn thus freezing the entire land (Frozen anyone?) except for Jack, Lili, and some fairy kinda looking folks. I think this is what happened, but if it didn’t happen, I don’t care.
^ Time skip.
^ Time skip.
^ More time skip.
^ There’s someone more powerful than Jack in the forest and he’s a childlike thing name… Gum. No, wait, it’s Gump. Honeythorn Gump. And he throws legendary tantrums!
^ So, Darkness kidnaps Lili and Jack and his fairy looking friends must get her back and they must also try to get back the horn… to be honest, I stopped following the plot, but here enters Tinkerbell’s cousin, I mean, Oona. This fairy even tries to seduce Jack so she can get a kiss out of him telling him “I could be anything you want me to be, even your heart’s desire.” The Swamp Hag even tries to seduce Jack calling him a “Juicy boy” although to be fair, she was trying to have him for dinner, but the sexual reference was not to be missed. At one point, the old hag acknowledges his youth and tries to kiss him. WHAT? And children watched this? Unbelievable! WHY WAS EVERYONE SEDUCING JACK? HAVE THEY NEVER SEEN AN ATTRACTIVE MALE BEFORE?
Crazy eyes Oona is psycho for Jack, yo! I love when Jack called her desperation ‘fairy glamour’ and that’s about the only thing I love for it was so random!
And once again, Tom is so out of place that sometimes he looks… regretful for taking on the role of Jack. He’s like ‘Who drugged me and what even I am doing here?’
“Oh, dear! I think I might be lost again! What did they put in my water?”
^ Darkness is hot for Lili. He wants to tempt her, tame her, make her his. Satan, is that you? Oh, well, I guess it is. Lili doesn’t look the type to be fascinated by material things given her love for Jack and animals, so tempting her with jewels and her stupidly falling for it all of a sudden was not believable.
^ Table dancing! Cue the part where Jack is fighting the bad guys on top of a table and the camera just loves him! It keeps the focus on his thighs, those amazing legs, and his backside. And WHY DOES JACK KEEP FALLING WITH HIS LEGS UP IN THE AIR? Did the creepy director had other motives? I bet he did! It’s Hollywood after all and they’re not always subtle with the sexual messages they’re trying to convey.
^ Finally, Jack takes on Lord Darkness. Light defeats darkness and the light in this one is Jack. Of course. Of course. TC has a megawatt smile that can light up a thousand dark cities after all. He’s full of love and full of light. Oh, wait, that’s Yugi.
Darkness teases Jack about being a boy, but when he thought he had victory in his red claws, he taunts, “It’s always a pleasure to take a brave man’s life.” But Jack eventually defeats him so take my life too, Jack, for I wouldn’t get the time back I spent watching this rubbish. Please, I beg of you, take it!
^ Tom Cruise screams. He screams just like in The Mummy… I guess Nick Morton is actually Jack all grown up. He escaped the forest and Lili is the mummy who returns to haunt him. I recall saying that prior to The Mummy, I’ve never heard him scream before. It figures that I haven’t seen this rubbish film as yet so I didn’t know what his screams sounded like then.
^ Jack gracefully falls into the water. I think that was TC’s body double.
^ Jack kisses a sleeping cursed Lili Sleeping Beauty style. She wakes up in the forest happy to be with her one true love. And scene.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I still have no idea why this movie was so popular or why it’s even someone’s favorite film or why it’s referred to as a genius. The movie was dark (actually a dark fairy tale), they were constantly objectifying certain parts of Tom’s body and he wore a tunic without pants. WHY? We get that his legs are killer for he never missed leg day, but would it have killed for wardrobe to get him some pants? Tom was what, 20, 21 or something like that in this film? Mia Sara was only 16. And Tim Curry… ew! *shudders*
I’ve read that they wanted this movie to be even DARKER in which the Darkness lord torments Lili until she loves him and they would’ve had violent relations after. Ewww!
This film was nothing but a sex metaphor pot which over-sexualized Tom’s body… which is creepy in its own way. The horn on the unicorn is a phallic symbol and in medieval mythology, it was said that only a virgin could attract a unicorn and lull it to sleep so hunters could kill it. Lili attracts the male unicorn and Jack scolds her reminding her that it’s forbidden to touch a unicorn. She doesn’t listen and the forest is plunged into winter.
Lili becomes the bride of Darkness after dancing with a shadow and dancing is a ceremonial symbol of sex hence why Bollywood likes sexy dance numbers in their movies. 😉
And how does Tom’s hair remained glorious throughout?
DISCLAIMER: Tom Cruise’s killer legs, good looks, talent, and great looking hair have since disavowed any and all associations with this film. They’ve since gone on to star in decent better films and making their owner look good while performing those roles.
Tom does not mention this film on his resume and it’s the film he never talks about whenever his career comes up.
TRIVIA
^ At the time prior to filming, Tom Cruise had a disliking for cutting his hair. When he was cast for the part, his long locks were the perfect look for the forest-dwelling Jack. It is the longest length of Tom’s natural hair captured in a film. Word? I thought his hair was longest in The Last Samurai? I guess it’s safe to say that TC doesn’t like long hair anymore for he got the memo that he looked like a free-spirited LA hippie.
So much hair! Dude looks like a hippie!
^ Mia Sara was only sixteen during the filming of Legend. Sara was born in 1967, so she was sixteen in 1984 when production for the film began. But it took a further three years before Legend was finally completed by Ridley Scott, because of the film’s immensely troubled production history.
^ The sound of the unicorns at play is actually a recording of humpback whales. I figured those were whale sounds!
^ Jack’s armor is made from flattened bottle caps.
(Via IMDb)
Would I watch it again?: I rather soak my eyes with bleach.
Memorable Lines: when the credits start rolling.
***All photos and GIFs via Google Search
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