Thursday Ten: Home Alone sins

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When I was younger, I used to enjoy Home Alone. I was a child then so I didn’t care for weak plots and storyline. I just wanted to laugh at the wicked stuff those burglars had to go through because they had it coming. I’m older (and wiser) now and I can’t watch most movies anymore without picking apart the watered-down storyline/plot, the characters and why half the things don’t make sense. Also, I’m a writer with a wild imagination so I tend to see things differently. Oh, and sometimes I can be a bit of a theorist. 😛

These are 10 things that always bothered me about Home Alone:

1. The McCallister family is trash and a bunch of psychos. Especially that nutter Uncle Frank, who for some reason enjoys picking on an 8-year-old. There’s the moment in the kitchen where everyone is eating pizza and forgets about Kevin who eventually shoves the bullying Buzz. Uncle Frank grumpily chastised him in front of everyone: “Look what you did, you little jerk!” You’ll think Kevin’s parents would do something, but they stupidly stood by. I mean, come on! The entire family bullies the child and they stand there? Especially the mom. What kind of mother are you, woman? Right, the kind who puts the blame on an 8-year-old to appease relative, starve the child and banish him to the attic bedroom. 

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2. The mother doesn’t work and we’re not sure what the father does, so how can a family of 40 afford a trip to the City of Romance?

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3. The police officers should be fired. When the family of psychos arrives in France and realized that Kevin is missing, Kate calls the police back at home to explain that a child has been left at home unattended. The cop who took the call thinks this McCallister woman is being ridiculous. There is no Kevin at home. They send a lone cop out to the house and he doesn’t even go in because everything seems normal.

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4. The pizza boy is incredibly stupid. He runs off scared by the thought of being killed by a gun, but he fails to call the police. I mean, WHAT? You just got ‘shot at’ and you go off to deliver pizzas as if nothing happened? Was everyone on this street taking drugs? 

5. I liked Kevin, but I had a crush on Marv. I mean, look at the handsome thieving bastard with the beautiful eyes!

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It’s too bad he was a pervert (Wet Bandits anyone?) and Harry was his partner

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6. Kate accepts an uncomfortable ride in the back of a van with seven strange men. Eh! That’s what happens when you sell your soul. 

Catherine O'Hara as Kate McCallister in

7. Kevin got overwhelmed when told to pack his suitcase, yet, the nutcase in the making eagerly set evil bobby traps for the burglars without complaining?

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8. There is no way on this green earth that Marv and Harry could’ve survived those tortures to return in Home Alone 2. They should’ve been long dead. And torturing people for fun isn’t funny. Kevin has probably joined some sort of terrorist organization by now if he’s not busy trying to be the next Ted Bundy.

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9. The movie is incredibly stupid when you take away Kevin’s so-call genius. His family is actually some of the worst actors I’ve ever seen in my entire life! 

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Me too, Kev. Me too.

10. Or maybe, Kevin doesn’t exist and the mother was having a mental breakdown. This would explain the reason why he’s always being ignored, why the father threw his ticket in the trash, why we never saw his bedroom, why he doesn’t get any pizza, why he is banished to the attic room, why the cops didn’t care to take the mother seriously, why the mom left her family in Paris to go on a trip with the devil because she wanted to see him one last time and she’ll do anything hence selling her soul. Right, theorists?

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Maybe being home alone existed in Kevin’s mind. I mean, he has friends (it was mentioned), so why couldn’t the stupid mom call one of their friend/neighbor to watch him? Maybe Illinois is a state of mind. Maybe Kevin is in fact, a child murderer who killed his entire family (“I made my family disappear.”) and invented the whole home alone thing because he was getting lonely. Eh! Plenty of reasons to kill them after all. I mean, they were mean to him, they bullied him, and Uncle Frank probably sexually abused him. The creepy old bastard! Teasing the child about his penis (“he says if I see him naked, I’ll grow up never feeling like a real man.”) and no one bats an eyelid. No one? Really?

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Theories aside, I thought Macauley was brilliant as a child serial killer in the making. I give this movie a 2/5 rating.

You know, I’ve watched this movie like a thousand times while growing up but never felt the urge to take it apart until now. And thank you CinemaSins for sinning this film.

*** GIFs and pictures via Google Images


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